Friday, February 08, 2013

19 你是誰叫我狂戀,叫我勇敢地挑戰全世界

My first favorite song of the year – 張震岳’s 小宇。

It is supposedly about a couple being happily together, and enjoying the moment and not worrying about the future. Not exactly my resonance, but I guess I’ve transcended the being together or not together’s part. It’s in me. The connection is that deep. I sometimes wonder, but I’d do things for it, even consciously. I don’t wanna say stupid things, but I just can’t look the other way.

7 months. Amazing isn’t it. And it happens to be your graduation day. My phone wallpaper is the ten gambling chips from Perth Crowne Plaza on your left hand. 10 red chips and 2 yellow chips. You sent this to me the last time we really had a healthy chat on whatsapp back in November when exams were over and you were having a good time, and so was I. See I think you’re pretty emotional, or maybe I just don’t know you enough. Which is why I stopped chatting like I used to because I don’t see the point no more, because chatting should be mutual. And it was one way 90% of the time, for over a year.

I am guilty. And this is a good time to confess and let it go before the New Year. I followed Robert to church. Last Friday’s mass, there I was sat down on the end of a bench, Fr Muthu was giving his sermons. I looked at the beautiful crucifix at the altar and I drifted away. I realized that I couldn’t bring myself to pray for myself. Put simply, I started going to church because I thought God and Jesus potentially had the ability to hear my prayers and answer them. And I prayed for Eileen. I don’t even know if I actually believed God and Jesus actually exist. But because Eileen believed them, and God and Jesus might have the power. Just might. And I went. It is the same that I made the cheesecake and the trip to see her last summer.

I miss her. I really do. See when I talk about her, inevitably I would think a lot about what I said. And think of her. That makes her appear in my dreams. I’d wake up halfway through the story and go back to sleep to finish the story. It’s amazing. I dreamt of asking her to dinner in Miri, Barcelona, where I first dated her. And then somehow my car was lost. And I ended up walking back to Senadin. Dreams, they’re supposed to be weird.

五月天’s first album, first song – 瘋狂世界: 回憶多麽美,活著多麽狼狽。How true. Not just Eileen, but also Hsinpu Town. And here I’m, end of this post, I’ve reached 愛情的模樣 你是誰叫我狂戀,叫我勇敢地挑戰全世界。

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