Saturday, September 08, 2012

2012


We’re one week away from September, I guess it’s a good time for me to kinda sum up the first 3 quarters of the year, and maybe see what I could salvage in the last quarter in Eli Manning fashion #4thquartercomebacks!

Since we’re taking the football acronyms, it is therefore reasonable to break the time down to the first 3 quarters.

First Quarter

What I thought turned out very differently in reality. I thought I was gonna cruise through the first half of the year and finally be working by July/August. Watched many tvs, was on facebook a lot, being very nostalgic of my time in Hsinchu, and in a way, readjusting life back to where it supposed to be. It was hard. I didn’t wanted work. I didn’t need the money for a start. And I certainly could use the time better.

I guess it was that time that I really changed a bit. Finally being clearer of who I really wanna be, of the values that I hold up. And it really went well with my Giants went all the way and won the Superbowl.
And then disaster struck, like the worst you could imagine, happened. I think it was that time that I really saw what the month long fun in Taiwan really gave me, how the values that I hold up to was being great. It didn’t feel like disaster, although it should, and the worst thing over was that it proved a few things right, be it morally justified or not. That I was strong enough for it. I guess the whole thing was down to the embarrassment, like everyone else passed and I failed kind.

And it is during these times, that you could really see what you’re made of. Friends here in Miri were very very helpful. Heck, I even became more sociable. It was easier living in Miri because friends were more understandable without the need of having to phrase the words out to them. And it was almost like nothing has changed, or even changed for the better.

I wished I could have stayed, cos it was fun for a beginning, and what I could have done with the girl thing. It was the Alamo, it was a blast, I think it was soap opera to her.

I even got a job interview which I thought went normal, I fit what they were looking for except the period, but what was most surprising was the opinion of a certain Mr Hii, the HR manager who interviewed me. I’m nakedly honest, I didn’t think I do anything out of the ordinary, in fact I thought my session was blunt, but he spoke the world of me. And in those down times, it was very welcoming. I’ll never forget that.

Second Quarter

Looking back now, I’m not really sure what happened during those days. April was fast. May was fast. A lot of things got done and got decided. Work was no fun, but I woke up everyday as if I was on pills. Everything was going to have to do with 5th July. I even called it Independence Plus One.

It was like running the football yard by yard, until we get into the red zone. I guess that’s what some people do for years. She is indeed special. I really believed. It was pure. It was bright. I was bright.
A bit of positives here and there, and I never really realized there was a Randall running along all the time. It was almost like a 50 yards run being pulled back for facemask.

And the 2nd and 20? Ang Kar Yee on the most important 6 hours of my life up to then. Hey kid, if you ever see this, the reason I used fullname was I hoped you’d be funny enough to google yourself and somehow sees this. I really liked you. I hold no resentment on you, and I just don’t understand the snub on the social sites, afterall you were the one who first started to introduce yourself when I couldn’t care less! You’re nice kid, and I don’t often say that.

That night was magical. Alan’s surprised presence really put a perspective in how far I’ve come for that year, and how things have taken such a bad turn on me. I hated myself for not really going for it all when I had the chance. I thought I was in control. I never factored in God.

These days, looking back, I wished we could have talked more. I wished we were more positive. I wished I had at least hugged you before you left. You turned back up the elevator and never looked back. And that was the end of the 2nd quarter. Cos after you left, everything else became unimportant. I became motiveless. I could lay motionless all day, looking at the stars and the moon that is shining upon you at the same time.

The lacquers, the cap, the cake, and all other things, going to the airport, I didn’t know what I was thinking. I still don’t. I probably never would. I sort of took a picture of your face when you first saw me. My read was that, it was disbelief and a bit of why-are-you-here-my-trouble. I guess you were actually relieved that nothing out of the norm mattered.

If I were to live through it again, I wouldn’t have done anything differently.

And the Mets were on fire too! Santana threw a no hitter, Dickey went 40 plus innings without giving up a run, the Mets were in contention for playoffs.

Third Quarter

This is basically the time from the morning of July 5th till yesterday, after I had been talking and drinking with Robert. It’s that don’t know what to do time, what to expect, give up or keep going, Does she even care, why should I care sort of life.

The Mets cooled off by the way. Tejada remained hot, but Wright was average again, and Matt Harvey made his Mets debut.

There’s probably always a second me around my head that looks at myself and laugh at my stupidity.  I started to read psychology books, the Bible, and listening to Sunday prayers. Like I’ve finally taken the initiative to find out more from another perspective. I guess I;m losing myself all along.

I lied. The express postage was RM 145 and the textbook was 180. I paid them full. But still you saved around Rm100. And that was what mattered. There was the petrol and the class skipped yet to be accounted.

It's not that I should be expecting, but I don’t know how much you appreciated what I did.

That was the question. I’ve got to think about whats best for me, and it cant last that way. What was a myth was happening on me. I probably cared about you more than I cared for myself, and it’s really stupid to feel good when you chatted with me. It’s becoming an addiction, something that I don’t really need. At least not in such a heavy dose.

It made me miss the farm. I missed the time there, I had no worries, I just loved being free. But I couldn’t, whatever I did I was thinking of you. I even got the wedding sweets box from my cousin’s wedding. They were smart to gave me two, cos I really ended up giving one to a girl – you.

What really took me out of my mind was Midnight in Paris. Woody Allen is a witty film director, but I’ve never loved a film as much as this. It is so beautifully made, that it took me back to where I started, that I am myself, that I should love myself, that if you’re not taking the slightest of interest I’d really, REALLY, be better off with something/ someone else. The final scene where Gil met Gabriel, that was encouraging.

You often see pictures on facebook describing fake and true people to you, 90% of the time I’m both. I’ve done both.

And the countdown which started four days before, I used it as a deadline for myself, then I decided I should end all this madness, regardless of what the countdown is for. I don’t know and I asked, you’re not gonna tell me, I don’t need to know. But I expect the worst because it has happened, and you seem to like Monsieur Randall, at least you talk to him, you watch his posts, you post things to him, and he’s madly in love with you. At least you wear the watch that he gave you even though it’s awfully masculine and you actually had a sweeter one.

I should be less speculative, I’ll have better sleeps, enjoying my meals better, laugh lauder and not shed a tear cos not much things’ gonna be worth it, and be able to smile at prettier things more. Its healthier, for me. It’s not a farewell, just a statement of being back to who I am, I’ll still write you postcards whenever I could. Race is over, he didn’t win. I just stopped running.

1 意見:

ahyunn said...

some fight you just have to stand on your own, and finally realized, there's not even needed a fight, love wins, always have :)