Sunday, April 15, 2012

愛情萬歲


最近發現身邊的一個朋友好像突然變得特別感性。

上個星期國王登基加上一個禮拜天,一共和他們見面了兩次。

感覺上我好像回來很久,至少一個月那種,怎麽知道算了一下,竟然才工作了三周,How can this be only week 4!!!

話説這個朋友算我們這群人中我認識了最久的,他是我國小三年級同學,所以至少認識了14年,卻算跟我最不熟悉的一個。

他最近好像跟一個台灣女生很熟,因爲一些遊戲開始而有很多話題。然後最近開始公開地說起自己很喜歡那個女人,然後又覺得自己在玩火,我說那個女人如果也喜歡他那倒還沒事,反而我覺得那個女人好像在玩弄她。因爲我這個同學算那種比較沒有女人緣的,現在有個女人對他有點反應他就會以爲是愛情來了。

我跟你不是很熟,但是也算老同學,我當然祝福你,不過勸你還是不要太認真,因爲你不知道人家怎麽想。

話説這件事又讓我自己反省,因爲我知道我的情況不一樣。愛情沒有來。我現在只是停留在一個階段原地跑步。我知道我和Eileen的生命以後應該很少會有交叉的機會,但是我就是那種不死心的人,專找麻煩的人。我做蛋糕做卡片幫她找玩具,我都沒有後悔,因爲都不是爲了她做,她只是原動力。

然後另外一個同學又發春了,話説他跟一個女生越來越要好,只是差沒有表白,而女生方面也已經表態說好了,因爲這件事又引起我們這堆人中有女人的人的一些意見,基本上都是一些相處之道。

然後我又自我反省,我真的覺得我不會像他們那樣,就也不知道應該怎樣解釋,但是我就是不會把你真的醜化成那樣。

大略跟豪哥講了我們的事,他就直接說中了要點,就是應該在之前就把到你,然後你才說要去澳洲。也就是賡哥所說的,我還沒有把到你,現在的情況真的很難有發展機會,為你想也好,為我想也好,我真的應該自律一下。

但是很明確的一點就是我也不知道我到底自己要什麽。我好像只是希望你開心,我們之間有一點點互動我就會很高興那種,變成在很多人眼裏我做的一切都很不切實際。
感覺上你還忘不了以前那一段感情,不是放不下,只是忘不了那種,因爲你付出過。魔鬼中的天使我聼了很多遍,真的只得到這個結論。

“恨自己的胸膛還不夠堅強,承擔不了你所有的悲傷”

幹我這兩天都在想要衝去吉隆坡度過機場一夜的這件事。

我在想說很多年以後我可能會覺得我這一年好像荒廢掉了,不過現在才四月!我要ROCK!!!!!

Sunday, April 08, 2012

The Importance of Being Idle


突然覺得我很奇怪,自言自語或是拜拜的時候會不經意地用英文,而寫心情的時候卻傾向用中文..

這幾天我心情起伏還蠻大。先說工作吧! 這個禮拜是Week 2. 跟第一個禮拜比較,我這個禮拜就比較沒心情,因為我了解了老板為什麽會給我薪水的那個數目,然後我就超級沒有興趣了..一來我開始自己流動後,有點累.. 每天連續幾個小時騎車,曬太陽還要背一大袋的貨跟傳單..然後覺得說傭金那麽少,太不值得這樣子奔波,因爲主要的顧客群都是小學生,所以應該直接進入小學,而不是到處分傳單... 而且這樣做還會浪費很多寶貴的傳單。

佣金的事情就是只有2%,而那些跑單位的佣金則是20%。也就是說我的薪水其實是他預期中會賣到4000塊錢,多餘的就是他那98%,我只有2。所以他超級划算。

話説這件事又引起另外一個想法 - 我拿人家薪水,本來就是要工作,他是老闆,當然是他的規則,我只是執行單位。而且大概佣金也將接近100塊錢,也就是薪水的10到20%裏面,這樣想起來就是很多了...

可是我真的開始感到厭倦,這種徒勞無功的事情真的很累人。公司常常鼓勵員工們說要努力,要熱血,可是我想說的是熱血不是用在幫你掙錢,讓你開大車,而我甚至連想買飛機票去旅行也不夠。希望這種事情能夠在未來一個星期内有所改變。

話説昨天是復活節。我做了一張卡片寄給她。值得一提的是她也是在一點點抵抗下才給我的。可能就是沒什麽,只是我放大了事情。但是這幾天往往出現她開始不回復我的現象,這是以前沒有發生過的。

星期五跟ML車。我在車上跟ML還蠻好談的。我真的在努力掩飾和穿針引綫後問她一些感情問題。因爲主要是她要結婚了。她說想結婚是因爲她認爲自己想要那份結婚所帶來的責任感。這句話真的是超偉大的。簡直把一直以來把婚姻看成恐懼的我帶來新的想法。

然後就繞道問了什麽樣的情況下會接受男生的追求。她說出了感覺,最重要就是成熟度。她用了金錢來做例子。她說她會想知道男方的金錢去了哪裏,但是重點是她並不是說想管住男人的荷包,而是想知道男人怎麽用錢。因爲她覺得這樣會讓她有安全感。

所以簡單來説就是成熟度。因爲她那些話,我想了很多,整個星期六都很壓抑。回想了我一直以來作的事情是不是都很幼稚。

當然不能夠以個體來衡量我的星星,蛋糕,卡片等。但是總的來説是沒有的。我從一開始高姿態以成熟中有點童心的出現,到現在是突出了我的童心,而沒有好好發揮成熟,所以難免她會覺得我只是另外一個比她前男友更幼稚但是年齡更大的傢伙。所以這是我該檢討的方向。

再來就是看見她和前男友有那麽普通的互動我就會反應很大。會不會是其實她自己還是放不下那段事情,連facebook也還沒有換掉他的名字,是不是我project她的成長project得太早了,換句話說,我不應該拔苗助長,硬生生推著她長大。

聊天中越來越覺得很莫名其妙,或許那件事真的有一點點影響,或許是我胡思亂想,但是我從什麽都不知道,到事情發生后才知道,算是一種進步,但是也是一種停歇,因爲我還不是會在事情發生之前就知道。感覺上她真的把我圈著了,只有少數的事情會透露給我知道。Whatsapp那件事我還是難以忘懷...

今天早上看見燦賡,聊了很多。他女友和他的事只有我知道,而我和Eileen的事情,在我們這群人中也只有他知道。很多時候我很相信他,因爲我很感情用事。只是我不能夠同意的就是他不相信我以後再也不會爲了別的女人那麽熱血。我希望他幸福,他真的跟我一樣是個好男人。或許他說的對,那晚Eileen沒有直接拒絕我是因爲她考慮了別的事情,因爲未來會很辛苦。

這樣想就有道理,就變成我感覺上她很努力不愛上我是對的。也是正確的。

他勸我放下。我暫時做不到。

KW說得對,重點是我自己想要什麽,因爲我一直以來都只是讓她變得開心,看見她笑我就滿足的那個笨蛋。

經過今天一整天看見一些好知己我真的有一點點釋懷。我開facebook第一個看的還是你的網頁,但是卻沒有前兩天來的壓力。或許這是對自己好的。

看見有Christine陪你那麽開心,希望卡片到你手上會不只是一個瘋子做的爛卡,我自己知道沒有做到很漂亮,但是也畢竟花了我四個小時的睡眠來完成。同時卻也希望卡片只是一張卡片,不會帶給你任何壓力。

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Ipanema


Rick Levine. I've been following his stuff for the past few days, and I'm absolutely stunned with how accurate he has been. And thanks to him, I kinda evaded a confrontation because when it happened I was too busy wondering how could Mr Levine have called that!!
And he says Im gonna have a great morning on Sunday because some planet would've moved into my stars! The important thing though, is that Im not gonna be able to make full use of it!!!
Today's been very high. I went to Aulong, a rather large chinese village near Taiping. They were having family day, as in parents would come to the school to pick up their report cards.
As you leave the highway, everything changes. The landscape was awesome, with a beautiful backdrop of mountains not too far away. Its the backbone of the peninsular, the Titiwangsa. Its situated just far enough from the rockies and just far enough from the seas for us to not feel it.
If one has been watching local movies, You can always see they like to take views from villages, whereby the kids are all happy fat kids and its either paddy fields or some fishing villages. I definitely feel like it yesterday. And then you add to the fact that when we went in, we actually got to see those kids because it was a semi school day, they could go home after they'd taken their report cards.
They are so young and pure and such clean minded. When I asked a kid what he wants to be when he grows up, he says he wants to be a fisherman just like his grandpa.
And then its such a small and old neighbourhood that people really know each other, even the school security guard.
The highlight of the day, was a malay girl, who asked his dad to buy her the diary. A 20 dollar diary, her dad presumably a blue collar, couldnt find anything interesting about it, but pulled out his wallet inside 10 seconds and flushed two twenty dollar notes and handover, turned away and leave her daughter to pick up the spoils. When her dad pulled out the cash, she was over the moon and in total disbelief!!
Well she did look like one of those top students. I guess the diary made her day. I'm just so sentimental that I can't really be a salesman! Its a bit awkward, but thankfully schools have been rather welcoming, if not supportive, whenever I visit them.
Night time, there was a great time. I mean, no one else does it just like me do they. Ripping every small details there is about you, from your shoes to your hair. And I'll remember Ipanema.. I've Favourite up those pages, if they sell good ones then they can have my cash. 
I kinda think that I feel your split with Mr Aim more than you did. I do. It used to confuse me whether I was in love with you or I was just pity of you. 
Today, the guy in the drama decided to divorce her wife because her wife was turning into another woman that he didnt recognize. Her wife took people's money to do harm on a very friendly friend. I put myself in his shoes, and I've decided I didn't like you because you are good, so I wont dislike you if you suddenly turn bad! I will always love you! I'll be there fore you!
I know I will! 
Dear Goddess of Mother Earth. All I need is a window. 
yours as ever