Saturday, September 03, 2011

Entry

Some day, you might see this. You might never see this. 

One day you'll know, one day. 

Whatever I've done in the past two weeks, whatever I'll be doing, in the coming who knows how long, I want to say this now - its just happened, I don't know why, as in I know why i do them, i just don't know the reason for that reason. Ever since HE posted that I-am-Jesus-esque statement on his wall, I knew something was wrong. I have been doubting myself all along.  

Before I go deeper, lets just make sure its only between the two of us. Its a total disgrace of how he reacted to the whole event. I was right two years ago when I say you'd outgrow him. He'll regret this when he's wiser. I'm probably right too in saying he was your everything that day. You two were wrong from the beginning, like houses that didnt have pillars, or Cinderella without the high heels. But its gone now. I hope you stay strong. I'm always on your side, for or not the expressions I'm gonna elaborate below. 

I'd just realised you're not even 20. They say when we're young, a woman is actually spending their best years with a man who is in his worst years. You're 20, you've got your best years all ahead of you, even if we'd get to the point where its close enough, I'd still be reminding myself, and of course you, about this whole thing. We might work out we might not, but if its happening its gonna be a good one, at least I'm trying to. Maybe I don't realise I am actually protecting myself, but you should realise that my original intentions were only for you, and I am all in in this. 

They keep telling me to just rock n roll it like it should be, but I just can't take the risk. The rock n roll path is great, but I feel like I want to be with you for the rest of, rock n roll is just a bridge too far. Its not as if we arent suppose to come together if we'd see from the future that we'd be nobody to each other, but just that we're working in the same direction. Hell, the future's not ours to see anyway. 

Giddens made a film of his 8 years love of Shen Jiayi. While its a comedy and youth film, it shouldnt be forgotten that they were never together in the end. I like what he did. I read the book. He was exactly me. You're the Apple of my eye, but I don't want you to be shen jiayi. I wanna be with you. 

If we do come together, I'll be me, you'll still be you, we'll still be the same person we were a minute ago, just a little bit happier, excited and more loved. I wasn't able to turn from complete stranger to loving birds in a minute the last time, I thought hard about it and decided I wont do it either this time.  

Oh and, I didn't even feel how strong are the words "The smile on your face lets me know that you need me". Even then I doubted it. 

But, I stopped doubting myself two days ago, a sunny, tired Friday afternoon, at the library. My heart rate was tripled, my You didn't see me. 

I was sure, I love you.  

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