Sunday, September 18, 2011

最近很愛用一個詞 - 瞎搞。有時候會叫 - 亂搞。是最近我生活上的寫照。

因爲facebook上的一個留言,我的生活徹底改變。

我需要的是我的生活。Give me back my life.


這幾天放假結果修煉了一個坏習慣,就是在十一二點睡,然後三四點又起來一兩個小時。

怎麽樣才能不想那麽多。我自己在做什麽?這是我要的嗎?我好像搞錯狀況了吧?

囯小的時候是偶像團體的天下,Westlife簡直無敵,初中把妹還用過他們的歌。大概高中時才開始轉聼hip hop。有一個一樣來自愛爾蘭的女子團體叫Bellefire,是Westlife的師妹,屬於後偶像期出道的,所以大概也很少人知道,現在也已經解散了。其實她們真的很棒,歌聲很好,只是時期不對。一首叫You Were Meant For Me,這個晚上我反復聼了N次,旋律很符合現在的心情.....

可是我腦裏浮現著的是以下那首歌 - 


有時後深夜里我會心惊膽跳的問自己
我的理想和抱負去了那里

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Entry 02

Don't find her at least until tomorrow night.

Gotto work the pitch count. Wait for your pitch.

Watch some baseball. Watch a film. Get Drunk.

Gotto get some perspective back into your own life!

Get Back to Work!

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Entry

Some day, you might see this. You might never see this. 

One day you'll know, one day. 

Whatever I've done in the past two weeks, whatever I'll be doing, in the coming who knows how long, I want to say this now - its just happened, I don't know why, as in I know why i do them, i just don't know the reason for that reason. Ever since HE posted that I-am-Jesus-esque statement on his wall, I knew something was wrong. I have been doubting myself all along.  

Before I go deeper, lets just make sure its only between the two of us. Its a total disgrace of how he reacted to the whole event. I was right two years ago when I say you'd outgrow him. He'll regret this when he's wiser. I'm probably right too in saying he was your everything that day. You two were wrong from the beginning, like houses that didnt have pillars, or Cinderella without the high heels. But its gone now. I hope you stay strong. I'm always on your side, for or not the expressions I'm gonna elaborate below. 

I'd just realised you're not even 20. They say when we're young, a woman is actually spending their best years with a man who is in his worst years. You're 20, you've got your best years all ahead of you, even if we'd get to the point where its close enough, I'd still be reminding myself, and of course you, about this whole thing. We might work out we might not, but if its happening its gonna be a good one, at least I'm trying to. Maybe I don't realise I am actually protecting myself, but you should realise that my original intentions were only for you, and I am all in in this. 

They keep telling me to just rock n roll it like it should be, but I just can't take the risk. The rock n roll path is great, but I feel like I want to be with you for the rest of, rock n roll is just a bridge too far. Its not as if we arent suppose to come together if we'd see from the future that we'd be nobody to each other, but just that we're working in the same direction. Hell, the future's not ours to see anyway. 

Giddens made a film of his 8 years love of Shen Jiayi. While its a comedy and youth film, it shouldnt be forgotten that they were never together in the end. I like what he did. I read the book. He was exactly me. You're the Apple of my eye, but I don't want you to be shen jiayi. I wanna be with you. 

If we do come together, I'll be me, you'll still be you, we'll still be the same person we were a minute ago, just a little bit happier, excited and more loved. I wasn't able to turn from complete stranger to loving birds in a minute the last time, I thought hard about it and decided I wont do it either this time.  

Oh and, I didn't even feel how strong are the words "The smile on your face lets me know that you need me". Even then I doubted it. 

But, I stopped doubting myself two days ago, a sunny, tired Friday afternoon, at the library. My heart rate was tripled, my You didn't see me. 

I was sure, I love you.